This Loneliness That Follows Me Like A Shadow No Matter Where I Go*

A little before I came to Tokyo for university, I watched the film Lost in Translation. I saw myself in the protagonist: a young American college graduate with no job, dreams, or ambitions who had aimlessly followed her husband on his business trip to Japan. That feeling she has of being left behind in the hotel room after her husband leaves for work was something I’ve experienced before.

I thought about her as I walked across Shibuya Crossing after I moved to Tokyo. I had a sick sibling, so growing up, I played the role of a well-behaved, good child to avoid being a burden to my parents. And as such, I was rushed into adulthood. I knew that my sexuality was different from others since I was small. Perhaps because of that, I sometimes feel like the world has gone somewhere and left me behind. I’m afraid no one would invite me, let alone look for me.

For better or worse, gay men in Tokyo are always looking for a partner, so I can find someone if I try. But there’s a loneliness that can’t be fulfilled, even when I'm being intimate with someone. People can only travel for the first time once they have a home.

Those who have no home can only roam. Whenever I do have a partner, I feel a comfortable kind of loneliness when I leave his place and go home to mine. People who are lonely children at heart struggle to maintain long-lasting relationships, often sabotaging themselves. I still don’t know how to deal with this loneliness that follows me like a shadow no matter where I go. I just wish we could get along.